Sinner

The world’s
greatest
sinner
was I
and I ought to say I
enjoyed it.

Hopefully that’ll be enough

I loved you today.
Your hair was a mess
and your eyes were unfocused
and you pulled me closer.

I loved you yesterday.
Your hair was flatter
at least to some extent.
I talked too much
you didn’t talk at all,
and you didn’t answer the door
when I came to my senses.

I will love you tomorrow.
You don’t think about your hair
the way I do.
And you will be angry
and happy.
Pull me close
just to push me away.

But I will love you.

So it goes

I wanted to tell you
that you weren’t alone,
and that it would get better.
All those things
you’re supposed to say
at three in the morning
when nothing is right.
But I poured you another drink instead.
Somehow you seemed more grateful.

Your Lies

Your lies are
ugly, worn-out,
pieces of paper
I use to sort out
my clustered head.
Would you
tell me one more?

And I Still Don’t

But I never did know
if you were for me
or for everyone else.
Just as I am.

Would it make a difference?

What if we didn’t love the wrong people during the holidays?

What if we let people in, instead of shutting them out?

What if we realized how messed up the world is? Even at this very moment?

Would our fridge still be full of food we are not going to finish?

Would you tell me that it didn’t matter?

Would you tell me that everything is going to be alright?

Would you believe it?

What if you asked a stranger “how are you?”?
What if they told you they weren’t alright?
What if you asked a friend?
What if they told you they are alright, but you know better?
What if you asked me?
What if, even with a cross around my neck, I told you I’m not?

Not my responsibility, but

“It’s not your responsibility.”, my mother tells me as I talk to him at one o’clock in the morning, trying to calm him down in an anxiety attack.

“We’re just talking”, I say.

“Do you feel responsible?” my grandfather asks, watching me tap my fingers repeatedly on the table after hanging up.
“I’m just making sure he gets his medicine.”, I say.

Am I doing something wrong? Am I missing something? Isn’t our job in this world to see one another, take care of one another?

I just don’t know.

It is not my responsibility, but if I don’t do it, I am not sure he will survive.

 

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